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We want the time when we are labeled as "dying" to be obvious, brief, and choreographed. Why do I add the claim of choreography? Because we do think of dying as if it is a formal dance, in which various people are expected to take on their roles and perform expertly. We are surprised when no choreographer shows up and the dancers start dancing to their own tunes, missing cues, tripping.
We expect the dying person to give away advice and worldly possessions, say thanks and, seek forgiveness, focus on comfort - and die on time. We don't often get all this to work just right, but we at least have an image of the ideal dance. When the ideal doesn't play out, we talk as if it was not met because a health care provider did not perform his or her role. Some of the time, though, it may be that the diseases we mostly die of simply don't behave so well. Disease can be unpredictable and death often appears to come on stage too late or too early, or to astonish us all by appearing out of costume.
Some of us have been experimenting with new ways to talk about dying. What if we talked about the last phase of life when a person has an illness that will prove fatal?
What if we learned how to say "contingent farewells" that accept the unpredictability of death? "If I should die suddenly, I just want to be sure you know that I love you"What if we videotaped grandparents so they can offer advice to grandchildren too young to remember now, or final words for loved ones. The videos would stay "fresh" whenever the person dies. Perhaps we could encourage social rituals to celebrate the time we have together and acknowledge its uncertainty. It will be most intriguing to see whether we can come up with rituals or traditions that guide us, and help us make sense of our new, slower, and more unpredictable journey through the last phase of life.
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