“Dad, at some point would you write a letter to me that talks about things that have been important in your life?”I still remember the phone call I received from Dr. Stanley that cold January in 1990. I had returned to Minnesota several weeks earlier, following a week in warm, sunny Florida to visit my parents. Dad was feeling a bit tired and noticed he couldn’t play as many sets of tennis as he liked. He had a cough that wouldn’t quit.
“So, my son the doctor, what should I do?”
I replied “Dad, go see Dr. Stanley.”
From the x-ray came the diagnosis of walking pneumonia - but it did not improve with antibiotics. At Dr. Stanley’s suggestion, a biopsy was taken. Lung cancer. The prognosis wasn’t good.
Two weeks later, I was back in Florida for a visit. I asked my father two questions. “Dad, is there anything you haven’t done that you’d like to do while you still are feeling OK?” He replied, “Just to have another 15 or 20 years of retirement”. My second question was more difficult for him. “Dad, at some point would you write a letter to me that talks about things that have been important in your life?” He thought that was a strange request. He was never much of a letter writer. He said he would think about it.
Eight months later, about a month before he died, he sent the letter I had asked for. In it, he talked about the importance of working hard and being honest, helping others, and sticking by your family. He described his pride that his children had received the education he had never had. Whenever I read this letter, memories of my father come flooding back. Although the letter is only a couple of handwritten pages, it’s a precious gift whose value cannot be quantified.
Since then, I have learned the name for the kind of letter my father left me: the legacy of his values was his ethical will.
Many people write a legal will, a last will and testament to distribute their material assets. Others write a living will with instructions for how they want to be treated medically in the event of traumatic injury or serious illness. Now, an increasing number of people are wondering how to preserve their most precious legacy: their values, beliefs, dreams, and hopes for future generations. Writing an ethical will provides a means for living on in the hearts and minds of family and friends after we are gone.
Ethical wills are not new. Hebrew scripture first described ethical wills, which were then an oral tradition. Later they were written as codicils to legal wills. Ethical wills were originally associated with some-one’s final days. Today, with the revival of this tradition, they are being written to mark family and life cycle events. And the idea has grown in popularity.
Two years ago I developed The Ethical Will Resource Kit, a workbook with easy-to-follow exercises that assist the writer in creating a first draft of an ethical will. In Minnesota, several foundations are offering the kit to their donors; the Minnesota Academy of Family Physicians Foundation is experimenting with a pro-gram that distributes kits to donors as a way to help physicians learn more about this concept. Since August, more than 10,000 people have visited the newly created ethical will web site, www.ethicalwill.com.
A range of people can benefit from writing an ethical will, even though they are not near the end of life. For example, soon to be married or expectant couples can use an ethical will as an opportunity to take pause and reflect on values important to them as they embark upon these new life challenges. In Illinois, a counselor has been experimenting with the use of ethical wills with parents of divorce who have legally given up or lost custody of their children. In these cases, the ethical will helps the parents regain some sense of self-worth, and provides something meaningful that they can give to their children. For elders, an ethical will provides an opportunity to “harvest” life’s experiences and interpret them, and to preserve this for future generations. For those facing a life-limiting illness, creating an ethical will provides a sense of meaning, purpose, completion, and peace of mind.
Why write an ethical will?
I was delighted to see that the March 2000 issue of Money magazine mentioned ethical wills in the “Money Talk” column. Some attorneys are recommending ethical wills as a way to make writing other wills a little easier, and to help construct more customized estate plans.
Writing an ethical will might seem difficult. However, it is simply the writing of a love letter to your family. It may well be one of the most valuable gifts you can give. I hope this information provides the spark you need to consider taking on the challenge of writing your ethical will.
For those interested in pursuing this idea, resources can be found at www.ethicalwill.com the only web Site devoted to information on ethical wills. For more information, contact Barry K. Baines, M.D. at 1629 W. 25th St., Minneapolis, MN 55405, Phone: 612.883.5376 (day), 612.374.9526 (evening), Fax: 612.374.1228; e-mail: bkb123050@yahoo.com.
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