As a hospice and long term care physician for three decades, I have served many people as they and their loved ones faced death. Some of the insights from that work seem useful to us now. Of course, we will have to endure the disorientation and disbelief, then the anger and anxiety, of sudden loss - whether it is the sudden loss of a particular person or sudden loss of our sense that our world was generally safe. Eventually, most of us will get around to rebuilding our hopes and our lives within the new realities, just as a widow or widower has to do.
When bereaved people look back from the perspective of a few years, repeatedly they tell me that the period just after a loss was terribly important in shaping the life to be led from that time forward. They often say that, in hindsight, they had many more choices than they realized, and that some of these choices were clearly better or worse in ways that were not apparent at the time. The people who withdrew from life and tried hard to keep things the same often say that they lost precious years to their grief. People who instead found the strength to try new ways of approaching and learned to redefine themselves often say that they are grateful for having endured, and that they have gained new insights about their lives. I have yet to have a patient of family member who felt good about living a life dominated by revenge or anger.
Surely, America now faces a period of making decisions, for better and for worse. Some will tie us into rigid and constrained says of shaping our role in the world; others will keep us open to genuinely meaningful innovation.
The media and politicians tell us that Americans want revenge. I have heard this wish from family members who must face life alone after a loved one’s auto crash or stroke or any other bad death. The desire for revenge must be helpful to us in some way, or it would not be so widespread. Yet, revenge is not really likely to make things right, in personal lives or in national diplomacy. Are we really going to make the world safer by going to war with someone? Gandhi pointed out that “an eye for an eye” ensures that the world goes blind. When can we kill people and still be trusted, where can we disrupt society and still be welcomed in trade or development?
Just like my widows and widowers who realize too late that they had other choices - to they were blind at the time - our leaders and our citizens would do well to pause and take stock of all the real possibilities. We have more options for shaping the world to come than we are considering. Americans find it obvious and appropriate to call up troops and make ready for war. Perhaps we should consider fielding just as many Peace Corps volunteers. We find it appropriate and timely to fund the airlines. Perhaps we should also fund investments in the relief of hunger and suffering.
Nothing will make us safe. We will need to balance safety with prosperity and dozens of other goals. Engendering hatred among the world’s poor is not likely to yield good returns. We are building toward the world we want to live in. We should be careful, just as we always advise the newly bereaved, not to take actions that are hard to undo and that leave a lasting legacy of hurt.
<<< Previous Next >>> [ Go Up ]
