An example of talking with a sick person:
"What you're going through sounds awful"; and let her know you can listen: "I would love to hear how you're really doing."
In asking the hard questions, of course, you or family must be willing to hear hard answers. Think about what you will do or say if she responds to your interest by openly confiding her darkest fears and fathomless sorrow. Sometimes what people need most is for someone they love to simply listen.
Ira Byock, M.D. [ www.dyingwell.com ], notes that a valuable strategy for discussing these intimate and poignant subjects with your sister or other family members is to use "I" statements, framing what you say in terms of what you are feeling. In talking with your other siblings or parents, avoid statements that sound as if you are telling others what they should be thing, feeling, or saying ("We can all see Sherrie is getting sicker and we need to talk about her dying."). By sticking to "I" statements you can avoid intruding on your family's emotional space while saying the things that need to be said and that may, inevitably, provoke uncomfortable feelings in others. In talking privately with your mother or brother, for instance, you might say, "Sherrie looks weaker to me. I am worried about her." In this way you can open up the discussion without imposing an agenda. Similarly, in talking with your sister, it is almost always OK to tell her how you feel. "Sherrie, I love you so much, and I'm scared of losing you," is a very direct statement that, nevertheless, respects personal boundaries.
Words To Try
Joanne Lynn, M.D. [ www.medicaring.org ], suggests the following words to try when talking with people who are seriously ill. This table is taken from Lynn's The Handbook For Mortals:
| When you think you want to say: | Try this instead: |
| Dad, you are going to be just fine | Dad, are there some things that worry you? |
| Don't talk like that! You can beat this! | It must be hard to come to terms with all this |
| I can't see how anyone can help | We will be there for you, always |
| I just can't talk about this | I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Can we take this up later tonight? |
| What do the doctors know? You might live forever | Do you think the doctors are right? How does it seem to you? |
| Please don't give up. I need you here. | I need you here. I will miss you terribly. But we will get through somehow. |
| There has to be something more to do | Let's be sure we get the best of medical treatments, but let's be together once we have done all we can |
| Don't be glum. You will get well | It must be hard. Can I just sit with you for a while? |
| This content is derived from the "Charting Your Course Seminars: A Whole Person Approach To Living With Cancer", provided by Norris Cotton Cancer Center. |
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