Charting Your Course : Seminar III - Getting the Signals Straight : Expressing Your Worries

All of us, some more than others, go through this life with a changing set of worries on our minds. When faced with a serious illness, or when a loved one is going through the pain and stress of disease, those worries are often multiplied. If we are not careful, our worries can get in the way of clear thinking and of our relationships to one another.

We all know today that keeping our worries to ourselves is not a healthy way to deal with them. Worry can have a physical impact on our bodies if we do not find healthy ways to deal with it.

Some people find it comforting to keep track of their concerns in a journal, expressing them on paper. Putting things on paper is one way to get them "out." Others talk a little or a lot about what is worrying them, finding relief in sharing worries with friends who will take the time to listen and to understand. Some express their worries in bouts of crying which relieves the emotion but does not resolve the issues. Some express their concerns in a general anger that can be difficult for friends and family.

Our suggestion is that you and at least one other person, a support person to you, recognize what worries you - and them - at the moment. Sometimes by being aware of what troubles us and by opening communication with each other, we can seek information from our physician which will relieve some fears.

Make one list of all the things that worry you today and a list of the worries you have about the persons who support you. Your caregiver can make a list of his or her own worries and a list of his or her worries about you.

Lists made by Ill Person:

Lists made by Caregiver:

• If it feels right to you both, share your lists.
• Discuss any surprises and differences in your perceptions of each other.
• Share what you have learned about yourselves and about each other in the process of thinking about your worries.
• Think of questions you might ask your physician or other people who might give you information that would ease those fears.
• Consider what else you or your support person might do to address the issues that are worrisome to you.

Worries will change, of course, as circumstances change. It is helpful to have a process for sharing and acting upon your concerns.

Hope

Hope is essential for managing and adjusting to cancer. Maintaining hope in the face of cancer is not always easy. Many people have never thought about the role that hope plays in their lives.

Families have well-established ways of hoping. Your family pattern is influenced by your family's values and the strategies you use to maintain hope. Some families have a spiritual basis for hope, and for these families statistics and medical data may not be very important because they believe that God will determine the outcome. Other families equate information and control with hope. These families will read up about cancer and its treatment. They will seek second and third opinions. No one basis for hope is the best or most functional. It's important to recognize how you and your family think about hope. You should be direct with your family, friends, and health care team about what is and is not helpful to you. Remember that you have the right to determine for what and when you hope.

Hope is broader than the therapeutic aspects of treatment. Hope has many dimensions. It changes over time as the situation changes. When first diagnosed with cancer, you hope for a cure. If you have a cancer that can not be cured, you shift your hope to long-term control. Even if your hope for long-term control should dim, you find other things to hope for. You may hope to have a family reunion, or hope to see a child graduate from college, or hope to welcome the birth of a grandchild. There is always something to hope for.

"Hope and hopelessness are both choices. Why not choose hope?" - Greg Anderson, "The Cancer Conqueror"

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This content is derived from the "Charting Your Course Seminars: A Whole Person Approach To Living With Cancer", provided by Norris Cotton Cancer Center.