Charting Your Course : Seminar IV - Setting Your Sails : Unfinished Business

Every day, most of us have a lot of things that we want to do and have not yet done. We get some of those things done each day and feel some sense of accomplishment.

There are other things that we just seem to put off for another day. Those things stay on our list - a real list or a list in our heads - and seem to hang over us. Some of those are just routine things, like cleaning out closets or labeling photographs and making the bed. Others are important things that are difficult to approach, like resolving troubled relationships or writing our wills. Still others are simply things we want to do, like travels to a particular spot or visits with old friends and family.

A health care challenge may remind us of our personal "unfinished business", those things that we want to do and have not done. We may become anxious to take care of some of these things. Or we may just want to accomplish some of the things we want to do but have put off until now. Take five or ten minutes to think about your unfinished business. What's on your mind that you wish you had done or taken care of? Think about people to whom you still want to say something, places you'd like to visit, tasks still incomplete.

Make a list of the things you think of that you want to do or take care of. Next to each item on your list, write down an action you can take in the next two months towards completing or resolving that item.

Unfinished Business	Action I Can Take
__________	__________
__________	__________
__________	__________
__________	__________

Which items are most important to you? Highlight those in some way.
Which items involve other people? What do you have to ask of them?
What can others do to help you accomplish these things?
For your most important items, what one step could you take in the next month toward accomplishing them?
As you consider these, are there any items on your list that are really not important to you, things you could just forget?

An example of taking steps to resolve a difficult relationship

"This time, Julia, after taking a few moments to relax, perhaps by thinking about a time when you felt warm and loved and not squeezed, I want you to imagine someone who you have been close to in your life sitting in a chair across from you. It might be your father or mother, or your brother George, or Frederick, or Conrad, but only one person at a time. Image that you both know that this is your last chance to speak to each other. Really picture the person sitting there. Imagine how they look, what they are wearing, and the sound of their voice. This is a chance to say the things that matter most. If you are still angry at them, this is a safe time to tell them so; let them have it with both barrels. To the extent that you can, and want to, tell each person you forgive them for the hardship and pain that they caused you. You can also ask forgiveness whenever it fits. This is also a chance to say 'I love you' and 'Goodbye'." This time she did not protest. I had the sense that she knew this was something she needed to do. I was drawing, here, on the strength of our relationship and her growing faith in me as a doctor. The work we were doing together was allowing her to begin feeling more whole and at peace within herself. We spent the next twenty minutes practicing the exercise. I asked her to imagine that I was Frederick and invited her to tell me whatever she felt needed to be said. Without a hint of awkwardness she told him about the pain he had caused her and, rather graphically, spit out her anger at him. Then she was able to express love for him and tenderly say goodbye one again. As we brought the session to an end, Julia was excited by the feeling of being unburdened and of satisfaction she felt and said she was eager to continue.

- Ira Byock, MD [ www.dyingwell.com ]

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This content is derived from the "Charting Your Course Seminars: A Whole Person Approach To Living With Cancer", provided by Norris Cotton Cancer Center.